October 10, 2011
Meaning: Yesterday, our 3-year-old granddaughter was trying to tell my husband something. She put her hand on his head and turned it toward her. “I want to see your eyes when I talk,” she said. Isn’t that what we all want? Who among us does not wish to be heard and truly understood? We are often masters at hearing, but not masters at listening. Hearing is about grasping the content; listening is about completing the communication loop and letting the other person know you got the message. I am constantly amazed by the number of leaders we work with who are told (and know) that they need to become better listeners. It’s a simple skill that makes a difference.
Ideas for Action: Generally speaking – and speaking and speaking! – I believe that Americans love their conversations. That’s why Starbucks has 11,000+ U.S. stores, Monday Night Football has three talking heads and late night talk shows try to keep us entertained. What’s less clear is the amount of listening actually going on.
We work hard to say something in just the right way so it will be understood. But listening needs at least equal time and practice. Consider these cultural adages about listening. For example, there is a Native American proverb: “Listen or your tongue will keep you deaf.” Or the New England admonition (which I learned from the great John B. Davis, former head of Macalester College and the Minneapolis Public Schools): “Don’t speak unless you can improve upon the silence.” No relation to me, Davis was a well- respected leader and a true master of listening. He even kept detailed notes of what he had heard in meetings.
One of the ways to ensure you are a great listener is by asking superb questions that give you something to listen to! Ask open-ended questions, not simple questions that require only a “yes” or “no” answer. Try to stay away from unending strings of “Why?” questions, such as “Why did you do that?” or “Why do you think that?” It doesn’t take much for people to think you are more interested in interrogating than listening. Far better is “What led you to that action or that conclusion?” You will learn a lot more from questions that show you actually want to understand.
Another tactic to stop is interrupting someone in the middle of a thought. Not only is it rude and irritating, but it ultimately shuts down the conversation. Similarly, if someone comes to you with a problem, don’t deliver a solution before your team member has finished speaking. Allow the full issue to be described and then ask, “What are you thinking about doing?”
To really complete the feedback loop, paraphrase or summarize the other person’s key points or ask for clarification if something is unclear to you. Paraphrasing is a powerful tool that does two things – one is that it lets the other person correct you if your recap is off, and two is it leaves the other with the thought, “she understands me!”
In some cultures outside of the United States, there is more emphasis on non-verbal communication. Not just your gestures and facial expressions, but what you convey behind the words. There is even a Buddhist expression that states, “There is a truth that words cannot reach.” Ask a trusted advisor how well your words are matching your intentions.
Finally, remember the power of eye contact. Even if you say nothing, your attention shows you care about what is being said. By regularly practicing your listening skills, something else seemingly magical will occur: people won’t just hear your ideas; they will actually listen to them!
Best regards,
Sandra Davis, CEO